The Internal Flame
It is necessary to protect one’s own innate goodness, no matter what, and at all costs, even if that means letting go of the most important things in one’s life. The initial cost of detachment has the potential to be crippling while one attempts to create order out of the chaos, and it can leave one stumbling in the dark for a while until a new normal is established.
This was the case when I broke up with my fiancé. My separation from her had to be done for the sake of my own greater good. I suppose you could say that the termination of that relationship was a sacrifice that I made, in search of improving my own relationship with God. I knew in my heart that I would never come any closer to Being, and that although I, along with everyone else, will certainly fall short in the attempt, it must be tried anyway, but that I would never get that opportunity while I was shackled to that person.
I’m constantly trying to understand the utility of things that come into my lift, or maybe better said, things that could be classified as “that which I should pay attention to.” But I often fall short, and I think this is where most other people have an advantage over me. To make the most out of any situation, it is best to not classifying something (which by definition reduces complexity to simplicity), but to view the entire thing as a set of components with its own idiosyncrasies and nuances that fit together in a way that is most appropriate for it based on the culmination of prior circumstances up to that point. In this way, one can see a variety of potentialities laid forth, rather than a constricted reductionist tool with one purpose.
My lack of ability to do this is a fault within myself. Most of the time I reduce objects down to a single entity that makes sense to my mind, or in a way that is easier to palette for the given situation. In doing so I take away the ability to experience that interaction as its own unique entity, full of potential and information and wisdom, which in turn removes my ability to fully experience a person, thing or situation, and shunts my ability to be present for the value of the opportunity before me.
I think this is particularly made clear by the fact that at least recently, if not for the majority of my history, my existence has been absolutely riddled with poor luck, failure and hindrance, more so than the average person. I keep shooting myself in the foot and getting in my own way. I build myself up and without a doubt come crashing down in spectacular fashion, over and over again. Sometimes I even wonder if I do it on purpose. Part of me thinks I do, and that my subconscious recognizes some sort of value in this cycle of repetitively starting from scratch.
I had a friend tell me once that luck is what happens when opportunity meets preparation, and as far as I can tell that’s certainly been accurate in my life. It seems to me though that in my case, opportunity is all around me, yet my own psyche is unprepared to take advantage of the opportunities when they present themselves. This leads to feelings of failure, which I’ve unfortunately become exceedingly used to, and this has led me down some pretty dark paths in the past. One thing I have noticed each time, however, is that on each of these occasions I find that there is in fact a legendary little flame in the absolute core of my being that without fail, continues to flicker and stay alight, despite the riotous and chaotic internal storm surrounding it, giving it every reason to succumb to the elements. Yet it never has. The will to live and to survive has overpowered the temptation to give up each and every time. Whatever there is to make of that, perhaps time will tell.
